My Story

What a nightmare.

Written by Carey

My mum is 79. She is mid stage with vascular dementia, insulin dependant diabetic and low vision. Until November last year she was still living in her own home with a lot of support from me. I would go morning and night and was able to arrange some type of activity or human interaction for a few hours everyday. She has always been very adamant about not going into a care facility, but it got to a stage where she was no longer content or safe to be at home on her own during the day. I am 40 years old, the only carer and work full time. I don't have a family of my own, but I do have a relationship I am trying to salavage.

She started calling me about 15 times a day at work because she was so distressed and couldn't stand being on her own. She would call me in the middle of the night to tell me she was "going home in the morning" and "It was time she went back to England". She was having more and more hypo attacks with her diabetes and usually ended up in hospital every 3 months.

So last November I had to make the heart renching decision to place her into care. Everyone told me she would settle after a few months. Here we are in May and she's still no better. She did settle for a little while when they changed her medication, but a hospital visit to remove a skin cancer from her leg has sent us back to when she first went into care.

My guilt is horendous. I go and see her or take her out 4 -5 times a week and every time I go she begs me, in tears, to get he out of there. She shakes uncontrollably and sobs. And I sob every night.

Everyday I debate with myself that I should bring her home and try to care for her myself, fulltime. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not sure she would be any different. When she was at home, she was always wanting to "go home" or be somewhere else.

This is truley the cruelest disease there is. I just want for her to be content and happy. I'm not sure that will ever happen.