Mailbox Response

The question was submitted Wednesday, 7 November 2007

Subject: Settling in to residential care

My mother has mid-stage dementia and has recently been admitted to residential care. I visit her very day but she becomes very angry with me, demanding I take her home, complaining about everything — getting quite aggressive. I have discussed this with the nurses (who are very good) and they have advised that it would be better if I did not visit her for a week or so to let her settle in — she seems quite happy when I am not there. I am worried about this — I do not want her to think I have deserted her. Any advice?
Thank you.

Answer from DementiaNet

This is a common scenario and those close family members of dementia sufferers are very vulnerable emotionally at times like this. You should take the advice of the nurses and have a break. You cannot predict how Mum will react to not seeing you for a short break. Why not so what the nurses suggest? It is often the case that the person who provides most care is the one who is on the receiving end of all the bad behaviour. So realising that you need a break and accepting that Mum’s behaviour is part of her disease is important for your own health. Even is Mum does think you have deserted her it could be argued that it is no different from the anger you are getting every day now. Whatever you do may elicit a negative reaction. So have a break, re-charge your own emotional batteries, talk to counsellors at the Alzheimer’s Association and wait for the time when Mum will be happy to see you again and enjoy your company. Her current attitude will not last forever.

The answer was published on DementiaNet Tuesday, 20 November 2007