the uncaring season
A page in the diary "Sue's thoughts on life"
Written by suew Saturday, 28 November 2009 17:42
I’m angry and frustrated and oh so tired again. Since Ray’s last two weeks in respite three weeks ago I am finding it harder and harder to accept the incontinence, this combined with the falls, resulting in the bleeding and all the extra laundry is driving me crazy. I seem to be working at something day and night.
I am also getting close to the end of minding my grandkids whenever my son and daughter-in-law have an invitation or a party to go to. The little ones aged 2 and 3 are both tantrum throwers, messy eaters etc and an overnight stay results in a lot of extra work for me. Then it is a fast pickup and “thanks mum” and they are all gone. Never any suggestion that they might do something for me in return or even an acknowledgement of any extras I do for them. With Ray’s increasing needs the workload is just getting too much.
I know this entry will seem like I am saying “poor me” but it is more tired me, exhausted me, getting beyond coping me. It is time to make a change so I am not as tired and yes CRANKY with it. There are only so many usable hours in the day, only a certain amount of energy to go around and I guess the humid, “hardly slept a wink” nights are not helping. I am so tired I am actually dropping asleep in front of the television, something I have never done before. But when I go to bed early I toss and turn and don’t fall asleep.
What will I do? With the down season for all of Ray’s outside activities coming I will be down to five hours a week of care soon. The Scallywags group has finished; Daycare has another week to go. Then most of January is without extra care too. That is why I once put Ray into care in January, so I could sleep and feel normal for a while. But I am always uneasy when he is in care. I don’t know about other carers but I just don’t relax and take up other activities. I try to act as if I am able to do whatever I want but it isn’t possible, it is almost a grieving process when he is not here.
The party season is upon us. Some invitations I have accepted, some I have turned down. I know how much co-operation I can expect from Ray, some on the night of the party, very little next day when he is overtired and disorientated and doesn’t really care if we have to go out. Too many hassles trying to get him to get ready, eat up, hurry up etc. Seems as if I care less and less to go out now and Christmas is becoming for me the "uncaring season".
Sometimes I imagine being able to sleep in without an “accident” happening to Ray, or being able to just get up and get dressed without having to put someone else through the shower. I envy those tourists I see in our local cafes having a lazy brunch out without someone beside them turning over food by the forkfull and staring in frozen silence at it, or choking on a mouthfull of food. I wish I could switch off this "caring" life for a day, or swap places with them, the "beautiful people".
I’m sorry this is a down post. I am sure I will bounce up again. There is always something good ahead of us. Just wish I could see it from here.