Mailbox Response
The question was submitted
24/06/2007
Subject: What do I do to help
My Father has recently been diagnosed with Dementia and had a 2 week respite placement which he hated and is now stating that he will never go back there again. My Mother is his full time carer and suffers from advanced osteoporosis, I am running a Motel and am not able to offer much help and feel very guilty about the situation. They have been offered a unit at the local Aged care facility and I think it is the best way to go but I can't keep telling them what to do they have to make their own decision. All I really need from you is to know that I am not alone in this and that someone understands what I am going through. The guilt is keeping me awake at night and affecting my relationship with my Husband who is the best thing that ever happend to me. Should I press for them to go or let it slide?
Answer from DementiaNet
The first thing to say is that you are certainly not alone in experiencing the feelings that you have. This is a very frequent occurrence (although that doesn’t make it any easier for you!). As mentioned later in this reply, it would be good for you to be able to talk with someone independent about your concerns.
Being unhappy is a common reaction to having a period of respite in a residential aged care facility. This makes is very difficult for your mother who is likely to need a regular break from caring for your father. An alternative form of respite for your father would be in home respite, although this is usually limited to half a day or less, or centre based respite which is usually up to 8 hours a day. It would be worth investigating the availability of these.
It is important to remember that moving your parents together to a unit at the local aged care facility may not be the solution, as your mother will still be the full time carer for your father. She would still require respite and the availability of this within the aged care facility should be ascertained. If your father was later to move into the low care (hostel) or high care (nursing home) section of the facility, your parents would be separated, but they would at least be reasonably close to each other.
It may be useful for you and your mother to speak with someone independent to further discuss the issues. This could be with a social worker from your local aged care service, or with a counsellor from Alzheimers Australia. By setting out the pros and cons of the alternatives, they may be able to help you to make a decision.
The answer was published on DementiaNet
06/07/2007