Mailbox Response
The question was submitted
07/08/2007
Subject: Respite care and family
Hello, I am the sole carer of my 81 year old mother who has been diagnosed with Dementia. I get support as in Day respite - 1 day a week, 4 hours in home respite a week and 1 hour per fortnight I have a lady come to do the big housework jobs for me as I have Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis.
I have booked mum into a lovely facility for 2 weeks respite care in October. She has been assessed by ACAT and all the bookings and arrangements have been made.
Today my daughter, who is a nurse, told me that she would take 2 weeks annual leave to stay here and look after mum, instead of her going into the home. Her reasoning is that Mum will come home more confused than ever and she would be better off in her own surroundings. I know my daughter is terrified that I will put Mum into a home permanantly, but she doesn't have to constantly put up with the accusations of stealing her money, wanting proof of where it is (which i have shown her)and all the other fixations she gets and the bad moods.
My reasoning is that mum should go into the home for 2 weeks because if anything happened down the track and I needed to place Mum permanantly, at least she has been in this home and I will have one foot in the door.
I'm also scared that if I cancel this respite, I might not get another chance to use it in future.
I'm sorry for the long letter, but I need some advice. I am so tired I sometimes wonder if I have got Dementia too as I can be very forgetful lately.
I look forward to your reply.
Regards
Gayl
Answer from DementiaNet
Being a caregiver is very stressful and emotionally draining when the person who needs care has dementia. It is good that you have organized a break from the caring role. One assumes that you and Mum live together. IF this is the case then you will not have a proper break if your daughter is coming for those two weeks. Respite in a hostel usually works well and the trained staff will know how to help Mum acclimatize to the new environment. The temporary disorientation will not cause any damage to Mum. Even if you do not take up the two weeks respite it will not affect Mum’s access to respite in the future. The real issue for you is who is making decisions about your Mum’s care, you or your daughter. Presumably you are her next-of-kin and therefore you should stand up for your rights as Mum’s substitute decision maker. If you honestly believe that it is best for Mum to go to respite then you should stand firm with this decision. It would be a good idea to talk to the aged care team person who assessed Mum and get some more advice.
The answer was published on DementiaNet
29/08/2007