finding support for yourself
A page in the diary ""
Written by suew 21. Jul 2007 02:11 AM
My husband Ray had his first stroke in 1990 aged 48, he had six days in hospital, six months off work and plenty of rehabilitation. Within three months he was allowed to drive and took himself off to rehab and I thought this was what everyone did. Our support network was made up of family, friends and the people at the Commonwealth Rehab Services.
Once back at work he was supported by colleagues and other staff members as he worked at a mental hospital. I took over a lot of the jobs at home as well as studying to go back into the workforce. My idea was that if he had another stroke I would go back to work full-time so he could drop back to part-time. I did work full-time for a while but dropped back to three days a week.
He had two major strokes in 1999 and we both "retired". Because of the severity of the stokes he became a hemi-plegic and was unable to do much for himself so I retired to look after him. He had six weeks in hospital, three months in Rehab hospital, another twelve months of ongoing therapy.
Then through circumstances just as Ray came out of hospital I also took in my Dad with terminal cancer and my Mum with Alzheimers. Dad died after four months. I looked after Mum for another two years. I learned then to call for help when I needed it, like when I had to take Dad to radiation treatment five days a week for three weeks after he fell and broke his arm. I also got a lot of help with Mum, hard to do when you have your parent living with you but it was what enabled me to look after her and Ray.
Then Ray had a further stroke in 2001 and I was told I wouldn't be able to look after him and Mum. So I researched the care facilities, chose the one I wanted and waited until they could take her. My care needs had increased and I got more care for her and some respite from Ray too as he went with her to Daycare one day a week.
Ray's subsequent stroke and the onset of dementia in 2005 made life difficult once again. But I had help from church friends and occasionally family members. My life was more restricted but we still managed another short holiday which was hard work as Ray was now mostly in a wheelchair when we went out. This period was significant as the beginnings of the struggle to get more regular care for Ray, more respite for myself.
The last episode, the fractured hip and pelvis which hospitalised him from Jan to March this year was probably what forced me into acknowledging that this could not go on with me caring for him alone. I needed more help, with showering, maybe housework and certainly respite three hours once a week on a regular basis.
There is no shame in seeking and accepting support. The last thing we want to do is force ourselves into bad health by overdoing it and overloading ourselves. Sure the care in better when we do it but would be worse if we could never do it again.
We all need to be able to relax occassionally away from our care recipient and that means allowing other people, paid or unpaid to help. We all need to find a support network and leave our loved one, with a guiltfree mind, in their hands for a while.