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Take Me Home

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Written by Carey 13. Apr 2008 03:35 PM

My mum has been in permanent care for nearly 18 months. Everyone said she would settle after a few months and would stop asking about going home, but she hasn't. I visit her 4-5 times a week and every visit she is still focussed on when am I going home.

I know this is quite common behaviour but mum is so fixated on going home, that it's hard to get her to talk about anything else. It's just constant.

She had a stoke in February and has lost the use of her right arm and leg, and still she insists there is nothing wrong with her and I should take her home. It doesn't matter how many times I explain that I can't care for her on my own at home, she still insists she needs to go home.

Yesterday, after spending 2 and 1/2 hours with her, when it came time to leave, she got very upset and was crying "Please don't leave me" "Please don't leave me". It is so heartbreaking. Some people may think that after so long you would get immune to it, but you don't. I don't think I ever will.

It's such a terrible slow demise. Before her stroke I was able to take her out for lunch and drives in the car and to visit friends. All that is gone now because she can't stand and she's too heavy for me to lift. Just yesterday she said, "Come on, lets go for a drive". Such a simple thing should be easy to do.

I miss so many things.

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Comments from the community:

Carey, your Mum sounds the same as my father-in-law who only spent nine months in care before he died but almost drove my mother-in-law mad with his constant pleas to "come home". It is so draining on the ex-carer who of course in an ideal world would LOVE to be able to do just that. What a heartbreaking experience the "long goodbye" can be.

My Mum will be 90 in July, and has been in care for six years. I haven't taken her out for two years now. She is still walking around but now her physical being is shrinking and I can see there are not a lot of years left to us. I visit twice a week and try to enjoy the time we spend together. Every visit is precious as we never know which one will be the last.

Caring for someone whether they are at home with you or in care is emotionally draining at times.I try to live in the moment and enjoy being with her whatever is happening. There are always things going on with both her and Ray that make that a challenge at times but I remind myself that I will miss her when she is gone.

Just remember many othes are going through the same thing and all doing the best they can as you are.

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

Written by suew, 13. Apr 2008 05:39 PM

I like the title of your diary. I read somewhere that when people with denentia say "I want to go home" they may mean home as in when they were children. And in a broader sense maybe "home" is a metphor for a place and a time when things were better. In that way I guess we all want to go home. We all want that place when things were better, happier. I wish I had some practical suggestions. I think it must be impossibly difficult and stressful.

I think your mum would want you to be happy and neither of you would want this suffering for each other.

When my mum said to me "I hate it here. I really, really hate it." It was so hard. One thing that helped was remembering leaving my children in childcare. Occasionally they would cry. If I waited out of sight for a few minutes the childcare workers would tell me that they were fine. Is it possible that your mum is okay soon after you leave? I don't know if this is useful at all.

I hope you know that she is in the right place and that you are loving her and caring for her in the best way possible.

There's an irony in that your sorrow is proof that you really do care. She's lucky to have you.

Written by kate, 13. Apr 2008 05:43 PM

Hi Carey,

How I can sympathize with you.... my mum has been in care twelve months I visit nearly everyday and everyday she asks am I going home today. I guess one blessing is she has stopped packing.

My mum had a brain bleed in January it was in the part of the brain that controls sight. Her sight seems OK and no tests were ordered to find out because of her dementia.... they felt she wouldn't co-operate.

Carey, I know that feeling of heartbreak it's so soul destroying watching a situation that is out of your control.

Sorry no real words of comfort just HUGE SYMPATHY.

Written by kathryn, 19. May 2008 10:51 PM

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